Forgiveness Through Christ

I sat across from my husband at a local restaurant waiting for our lunch to arrive. He’d been distant and at that moment his eyes were dull and his body was slumped. I knew something was going on and I was waiting patiently for him to tell me, but I was not prepared for the words he would say. Looking off into the distance, his voice low, he said, "The hospital has put me on administrative leave (from his RN position),” long pause “...for stealing and using narcotics. I have an addiction."

A jolt of emotion hit my body. I wasn't fully comprehending. Stealing? Narcotics? Addiction? I had had no idea that my husband of 11 years was in such turmoil and trouble. Tears streamed down my face. I could only think of one question at the time to ask him, “How did this happen?”

That day, in June of 2017, was the first time that the puzzle pieces of my husband's behaviors could be explained. He became addicted to a narcotic given to him in the ER nine months prior, for a kidney stone. However, the continued use of the drug was for emotional distress. There had been a serious situation at the hospital prior to my husband’s kidney stone and unfortunately, he had not dealt with the emotions of that situation, so the narcotic not only numbed his physical pain but the emotional pain as well.

Looking in the mirror of the past months leading up to this moment, I recalled that my husband and I were not communicating well, and we were having disagreements about petty things. We would talk at each other not with each other. Distance seemed to be growing between us emotionally. He was physically present but not emotionally with us; like a zombie some days. His tone with the children started becoming short and snippy. He worked the night shift and his sleep patterns began changing. Such as, he was sleeping longer into the afternoons and his turnaround from days to nights appeared to be more of a struggle. He would also have days when he would be sick to his stomach. Something was not right, and I felt it in my core, but I didn’t know what it was. We needed some help.

It was recommended to us to look into Marriage Mentoring. We live in Wyoming and the couple we were paired with lived 50 miles away. After some discussion and guidance from others we decided to commit to attending sessions once a week for 10 weeks. This meant we needed to find a babysitter for our 3 kids, spend time and money driving to and from our town to theirs, and to be prepared to do the work they were asking of us. We started the process in early Spring of 2017.

None of the news about the narcotic addiction nor the emotional distress my husband was in came out during the sessions. He continued to live in his dark secret place, until that day in June when he was called into the Nurse Administrators office and confronted with the stealing of the drugs. Our marriage mentors were one of the first people we opened up to about what was happening in our marriage. We had built trust with them. We had come to love them. We knew we needed them to lean on. God had put them in our lives during the tough season so we could call upon them in the critical season.

My husband made the choice to enter a drug addiction treatment facility in July.  We were both in a very broken place, individually and in our marriage. He was gone for 38 days; however, the kids didn't see him for 40 days. It was hard, but it was so worth it because the man who came home was healthy and happy and ready to face the challenges.

Life continued to swirl around us after he returned home from treatment. His career was uncertain. He did not get fired from the hospital but was asked to resign. My stay-at-home days were over as I entered the work force to provide financially for our family. I was angry that I had to give up my beloved life of staying home with my children, attending ladies bible studies, going to our local MOPS (Mother of Preschoolers) meetings, and having lunch with my mom weekly. I was also hurting because my husband was hurting.

In September, I went to the annual MOPS Convention in Kansas. While I was there, one of my closest friends was reading the local news articles on her phone when she hesitantly asked me about the warrant that was out for my husband's arrest. I had NO IDEA what she was talking about.

I called home frantic and upset. My husband's calm voice was on the other end. "They are coming to arrest me this afternoon," he said. A knot welled in my throat and the sting in my nose warned me that tears were on their way. I found a pillar to lean against as I felt the weight of the situation begin to push down on me. His voice continued to stay calm. He encouraged me to stay in Kansas City, saying that God had ordained this trip way back in April when I had purchased the ticket. He told me he had arranged for the kids to go to my parents before DCI would arrest him. He planned to take the kids to lunch and tell them that because of his illegal actions he would have to go to jail. (We had been kid-friendly honest with them up to this point about why he had lost his job and why he had been gone to a different town for treatment and that there are always consequences for sin.) Tears rolled down my cheeks, questions ran through my head.  Until now, we had no idea that the legal action of him stealing the narcotics would lead to a Federal Case.

There's irony in this story; The theme for the MOPS Convention that year was Free Indeed; Free from worry. Free from feeling stuck. Free from hustling to be loved. Free from a heaviness you can’t put your finger on. Free from thinking you should be someone other than exactly who you are.

As I sat with thousands of women that weekend, learning what it meant to be free, my husband was being placed behind bars. He was being confined, the very opposite of free. However, even though my husband sat behind bars (for 4 days), physically not free, we knew that he was spiritually free. His love and relationship with Jesus Christ, gave him ultimate freedom from a life in eternal darkness.

For better or for worse. Those are not just words I said on our wedding day, those are vows I made and I chose to honor the “worse” part of it. On February 20th, 2018. I sat in a Federal Courtroom awaiting the sentencing of my beloved husband. The benches were hard, the carpet was red, the walls were wood paneled, and it felt sterile. The sounds echoed all around me. My husband stood in the middle of the room with his Attorney at his side. His Attorney was a noble man that we had come to trust and like. This man knew the Judge, had stood in front of this Judge many times, knew how he managed his Courtroom, yet this man also stood beside my husband as his Advocate, hoping the best for our family. The Judge sat a distance away, in front of my husband, his stature somber yet serene. Beside me and behind me, the seats were filled with 26 loving people who were there to represent my husband, as he stood before the Federal Judge.

Minutes ticked by slowly. Words and terminology were spoken that I didn't understand. The crime my husband had committed carried a sentence of 3-5 years in a Federal Prison. I was anxious, because of the unknown yet calm as the Lord's hand, held me tight. I knew and trusted that He was in control of our future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

As the sentence was read, I exhaled a big breath that I didn't even realize I was holding in. Eight months in a prison camp, then 60 days of house arrest. A work camp, not barb-wired fenced prison. Months, not years. God's mercy and grace spilled forth from the Judge. We had been told he was a Judge that did not waiver from the Guidelines, oh, but he did! And not by a little, but by a big measure. The Lord heard the cries of His people and we were crying tears of relief and gratefulness along with the pain.

When my world crumbled 7 years ago, I thought it was my husband who needed God the most and that he was the one who needed to make the changes in his life. And while God has done amazing healing and restoration in my husband's life, Jesus also grabbed ahold of my weakest areas and changed me too. I am still working the job I started when entering the workforce and I love it. My husband is back in the nursing field, and he has been used by God to speak into the lives of other addicts. Our story is God’s story of redemption and grace.